In just ten days, candidates for every Federal office will be reporting their end of quarter financial summaries to the Federal Election Commission (the FEC). These reports are then made public and the news media (and my opponents) look at them to determine the relative strength of a campaign.

Like the $19 million that Democratic Senate Leader Daschle had in 2004. Very strong. Take notes. I need $40 million, minimum.

And that's why I need to know if I can count on your immediate support of at least $25. Of course, if you can donate $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000 or even the maximum of $2,300 -- that would help out just that much more.

OK, what I'm basically saying here is that Ernie Fletcher is dead as a doornail. Done. Finished. He needs this money REALLY badly, but why throw away your money on that loser when you can give it to a swell guy like me? I mean, did you see me filibuster that bill yesterday that would have actually given military families in Ft. Campbell some relief by restoring proper troop rotations between tours, not being continually sent back to that hell in Iraq over and over again? Was that not awesome? Boy, I really stuck it to those troop-hating Democrats.

And btw, I had to throw that $50-$100 thing in there just for the appearance, I hope you know? I need to look as if the common man supports me. Just keep funneling the cash through the usual places, and I'll keep giving you hand-out "earmarks" from those suckers' tax dollars (wink wink, Hunter :)!)

You probably already know how important these quarterly deadlines are to campaigns like mine. The media and my opponents are hoping we turn in a "weaker-than-expected" report, so they can crow that I'm losing support in Kentucky, and they can say I'm "vulnerable." I don't want to give them that opportunity to "spin the numbers."

OK, so my poll numbers look realllly shitty right now. Here I am, a 4 term Senator that has earmarked billions in taxpayer dollars to buy off voters in my state, and I STILL can't get my head about the 50% approval mark. Wtf? I've been stuck on 47% for what seems like forever. Sure, we were able to get some mouth-breathing idiots over at the US World and News Report to cite our "internal polling numbers" verbatim (we actually poll my staff for those numbers, btw, I wish those 30% didn't hate me so much. And btw, there's a "polling my staff" joke in there, but I don't want to say that in public. Who knows what those dirty bloggers would do with it.) I mean, don't those stupid hicks realize that I'm doing everything I can to continue this war? I know that they overwhelmingly support it. Why can't they appreciate my tireless efforts to filibuster every piece of popular legislation on Iraq to start ending the war?

Plus, I have been on the frontlines in the battle to keep socialized medicine from the bluegrass. Our privately funded hospitals that look like golden cathedrals dotting the rural KY landscape would be destroyed by this communist SCHIP plot to give "health insurance" to poor kids. Ha! That's what they claim it is. In actuality, the insurance and pharmaceutical industries have done a wonderful job throughout our state providing quality, affordable healthcare to KY children.

I'm referring of course to the kids of the wealthy that contribute to my campaign war chest. Really, just ask them. This SCHIP program simply denies kids the life experience of fighting through very preventable illnesses by preventative care. You gotta fight through that shit Billy. It builds character. And a stronger immune system.

That's why your help is so important, especially when you consider the following:  

I've been targeted for defeat by the radical left and out-of-state liberal special-interest groups. They want to defeat the Republican Senate Leader because we have prevented their radical agenda from becoming law.

They're RADICAL I say! These people actually want to set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq! They want socialized medicine and drugs from Canada! They want to send their stupid little rugrats to college! Who's going to scrub the floors or get stuck in coalmines that I've helped gut the safety standards of in exchange for big campaign dollars???? What kind of RADICAL would want to live in such a world?

Oh, and they're from out of state too! Why, many of those protesters on my front lawn have gone on summer vacations in other states! Some have even gone to other countries! You can't trust any outsiders like that, even if they were all born and raised here in KY. Get off my property, flatlanders!!!

Already, numerous negative attack ads have been created and distributed on TV and over the web - ads with flat-out lies about my work in the Senate.

Though, between you and I...... I can't name any. Even though we suckered Alessi on that body armor thing, Ha! There's a sucker born every minute, and thank Jeebus they don't know how to use Google.

One Democrat opponent has already formed an exploratory committee and is aggressively raising funds to make a run for my seat.

I don't like that Stumbo guy one bit, either. He totally ruined my relationship with little Ernie. We had a good thing going before that guy butted in.

It's hard to believe how early the campaign is starting this year. I've been too busy working for Kentucky and arguing for a civilized debate to engage in the political back and forth.

Bwahahaha! Civilized! That's gonna drive those liberals crazy!

Let me give you a sense of what we are up against. One of the radicals who heads MoveOn.org - the same outfit who ran that disgraceful ad slandering General Petraeus - has spent a good deal of time in Kentucky recently on his stated goal of taking me out. He said of Republican elected officials like myself, "We are going to slam their heads against their base and flush them down the toilet."  

They are playing for keeps, and while we won't stoop to their levels, we must be prepared for their attacks.

I can't believe the media is falling for this whole "Betray Us" schtick we're pulling... even the Democrats! We all know that Petraeus is, as CENTCOM head Adm. Fallon called him, a sycophantic "ass-kissing little chickenshit". But hey, the media loves a man in uniform, no matter how dishonest he is. Its much easier to hide behind a soldier, as Bush and I did. We had a lot of practice during Vietnam, I'll say that!!!

And as far as that "We are going to slam their heads against their base and flush them down the toilet." line, he's more on target than I'm willing to admit. Trust me, the damnedest things happen when Republicans go into bathrooms together. One minute, you're taking a piss, the next, you're sucking off some stranger. Life's funny sometimes. But I'm a little scared that MoveOn is so on the money with that line though.  

Please take a moment right now to make a special deadline end-of-quarter gift. I am really depending on the generosity of good friends like you to help me ensure I file a strong financial report this month.

As always, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours (wink wink, Hunter)  

Thanks again for your help.

 

 Senator Mitch McConnell

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Oh Mitch, that was very sweet of you. But I'm afraid my standards are a little better than that.

We (all of the Bluegrass Blogtopia and grassroots) will be in touch.

(crossposted at BlueGrassRoots)